Hearing my kid say that she doesn’t feel like I love her is not really the way that I wanted to start yesterday morning. Actually it’s not how I’ve ever wanted to start any morning but there you go. It’s one of those things that’s said and rocks you to the core but they don’t really realise how their words have affected you.
Almost like that other time “I hate you” escaped one of their lips.
I should probably explain myself. Like, why would she even be at a point where she could say that?
It was a regular morning right, which means that as usual, I was shouting at everyone to get up and get dressed. Unfortunately this has become our new normal. But I get it, I don’t want to get up in the mornings either so it’s like the blind herding the blind. Or the tired waking up the tired.
Nevertheless, once I’m up I get done pretty quickly. My daughter on the other hand? She fusses over everything. I can actually imagine it all going down in her head. “Ugh, my mom is making me get up again. I don’t want to get dressed. I don’t really even want to open my eyes. OK, woman I get it, I need to get up. But just one more minute just lying here OK. Cool. Oh what am I going to do today. Draw some pictures, do that spelling test. *opens eyes* Oh hey Angie, how did you sleep. Your clothes look a little worn, I think I should change you. What’s that? Do you want food too? Sure, I don’t have anything else to do. I can feed you. Oh a butterfly flew past… How does it fly? Why are its wings so many different colours? I wish I could fly.
*GET DRESSED*
“I am getting dressed. But not really. I’m just thinking of getting dressed while I sit here and cuddle Angie. I will get dressed. Soon. I’m just thinking about things and stuff.”
I’m pretty sure that’s the just of it. She’s exactly like her father. I’ll never forget how different we were at making bottles of formula. Anyway, the result that the 5 minutes before we need to leave the house are frantic rush around picking up the last things, tying up hair and signing something in the homework book that should have been done yesterday.
Normal. This is normal.
What’s different about yesterday morning is that last week sister was sick and got to stay home for the day with me, because I was also sick with a tummy bug. I think she was jealous. But ever since then her tummy has been sore. Which is totally possible considering that I just had a bug. But there were no other signs – she was eating well, sleeping well, not vomiting and no fever. In the words of How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days, “I call bull….”.
So I told her to suck it up and get ready for school.
She burst into tears and then when I came into the room for the 389726835786th time to ask/shout/scream/beg/plead for her to get ready she told me,
“I feel like you don’t care about me.”
I stopped mid sentence because my precious little poppet, who suddenly looked so small and fragile, just told me something that I never ever wanted her to feel ever. Mostly because it’s obviously not even a little bit true. So I snuggled up to her and told her it’s the opposite. Because I love her I don’t want her to miss out on school when she doesn’t need to. I want her to be able to learn and grow. (What a “Mom” answer hey?!)
She seemed to buy it enough to get out of her bed. But then the next thing she was in my bed. When I rolled my eyes and threatened her with anything I could think of off the top of my head she said,
“I feel like you don’t love me.”
Which might have been brought on by getting a softer reaction out of me from the first time she said something similar. But still. I didn’t think that these kinds of things would be leaving her little lips already. Or ever.
So we chatted it out again and I promised that the moment she was sick at school I would be there to fetch her and take her home. It seemed to calm her down and she ended up going to school and being totally fine the entire day.
But it still shook me a little.
I realise that I am sometimes a bit harsh with her especially as she is the oldest. But it’s definitely been a bit of a warning to make sure that no matter how strict (or just naggy) I get as a mother, I need to just keep reinforcing the reasoning behind my decisions. Just a blanket yes or no or shout actually leaves them wondering about why? And if I can do do or say that, do I even care.
Jeepers, does parenting ever get easier?
13 comments
Flip, it’s so hard. Sometimes, I can’t blur that line – the one between being so mad that, once again, I’m the nagging cow trying to get her ready for the day and the one that thinks, “Who cares if she’s 2 minutes late or has scruffy hair?” It all seems so important to get right. Such pressure! Being a mom is less about cuddles that smell like talc and more about guilt and insecurity, it seems. Is 10:30 too early for a gin?
SO WITH YOU!! The pressure is real but at the end of the day so what if they didn’t brush their hair that morning? But the thing I struggle with is what if you let it go one day and then the next day and the next and eventually you just never do it because you’ve gotten so good at saying, it doesn’t actually matter and then eventually you have a kid with unintentional dreadlocks! And that’s just hair! Imagine how that kind of thinking would affect everything else?
I’ve thought about that a lot. Like sometimes, yes, as parents we do get to say xyz and they just have to do it because we’re parents and we don’t have to explain ourselves, but most of the time, it’s perfectly understandable that they want to understand why. And most times I think, if they understand where it’s coming from, or the reasoning behind it, it shapes any future incidents. Nikki Smal once explained when she said no to Jordan riding on those money rides and he threw a tantrum, and the next time she explained that no, because she didn’t have money, and after that he asked if she had money for him to ride, instead of just can he have a ride. Sometimes the reasoning makes sense in their head and shapes futures incidents. Its such a fine balance. Flip man. xx
Totally! This is so true – I think they often need to understand the reasoning behind it to shape future incidents as you said, but also so that when they want to do something, they may naturally start to wonder about whether it would be a good or bad idea on their own?
#strongmom It’s hard when the line between genuine “feelings” and “manipulation” is being drawn by the being you’re trying to “lovingly” raise. My suggestion would be to fill her love tank according to her love language……. I have three little tanks that are all different and when the manipulation bell is ringing, I investigate the current history of that little person’s tank and try and fill it and see if it helps. Ugh! Parenting is so much bigger than a job. Have had these words several times and it still hits hard every time. Sigh.
That’s a great idea. I do think she is feeling upset that she didn’t get any time off school and maybe even time with me. I think I’m going to try and fix that this weekend and see if the tummy eases.
Siiiiiiiigh. I can so relate to this. Its like a slap to the face? And a snap back to reality. I get caught up in the rushing/shushing/brushing and hurrying of every single morning. And then something like this will happen and it does exactly what you say, stops me in my tracks. The only thought that goes through my head is, stay present. If Ben wants to pick that half dead flower for his teacher even though we’re already late and I just stood in dog poo and he’s already stopped to inspect a dead and dried up shongololo, i take a deep breath and let him pick the flower. Stay present. He needs this moment. Let him know I am fully present. Its hard man, so hard. Emerson is only 8 months but having 2 kids leaves ZERO space in my head to think about anything else (how you do 3 is well, a miracle!) and thats what I battle with the most, in this parenting gig. I literally have to force myself to stay present and forget work/anything non Benjamin and Emerson related. Im not sure if this is helpful at all 🙂 🙂 🙂 but if nothing else, know that its sometimes a struggle for us all. xxx
That’s totally helpful! I need to work on really being present, and I mean really being there and not just half being there. I’m so with you it really is a struggle.
Oh friend, this really shook me! Maybe because I felt like my SJ had said this to me – being the oldest, we also treat her like more of an adult and probably expect more from her too! The other day she was acting up and when I questioned her behavior, I got “I don’t feel like myself. I feel so ugly.” WOAH!!!!
WOAH indeed – those are hectic words coming out of a little persons mouth. We also had her say something along the lines of “I am stupid” and it broke me. It’s crazy how no matter how much we encourage them these insecurities still filter in!!
Damn, I don’t think it gets easier. Your challenges differs. You’re doing a good job man.
I have this all the time with my older 2…if one is sick the other is also suddenly fake sick. The 5yr old I can allow to stay home, but my now 9-yr old…not allowed. The school wants a sick certificate and there’s so much work every day.
Last week my eldest turned 9 and she was sick and refusing to drink her meds. She had a blockage in her colon…from obviously not eating fruit/fiber/water…things I nag about daily. I yelled for her to suck it up and down the meds until she cried and declared it her worst birthday ever. She continues to milk it, despite the awesome party she had on Saturday. I try not to allow the dramatics to get to me…and I try to reinforce (when I’m not screaming) that I love her and appreciate her. I think they’re just going to say these mean things to us….because they’re kids. They know it hurts, but perhaps not how much it hurts?
Also with her being the eldest I realise that I am so much harder on her…and she notices it. She’ll say…how come you never shout at JOsh or blame him or send him to his room? Why is it always me?
*sigh* I suck at parenting…..
Mabe sit down with her and develop a morning routine with her? Outline the bare minimums that NEED to be done in the mornings and then develop a method of keeping track of those things. Is she old enough/able to tell the time? Maybe a little freedom to do it herself may help?