You know what I realised recently?
It’s that even though we were excited about something in the beginning, the longer we have it/do it, the more normal it becomes. Which means that we start taking it for granted. This applies to so many things in our lives. Relationships – in the beginning all the butterflies and whatnot, but after 15 years you can forget that the person you’re Netflix and Chilling with is still the babe you fell in love with. Clothing – that pair of jeans that you got and were so excited about wearing just become the ones you throw on before heading out. Or the perfume that used to illicit such intense memories of a special time doesn’t even register in your nostrils anymore.
I realised that I am feeling this way about my skin.
I started this process a hell of a long time ago now. In fact it feels like a lifetime ago but in reality it’s only been 4 years worth of struggle. I know because I checked and this was the first post about it. The first time I felt comfortable enough to share. But I was too scared to even throw in a photo. Ashamed and quite bitter, I still thought I could kick it to the curb by doing absolutely nothing but giving it time.
I realised it was a problem though (no duh), so I tried to do something about it. But the avenues I tried didn’t work. I was told I needed to talk to my inner child, not wear make up for 7 days and even threw in a course of antibiotics for 30 days. Here’s where that got me (for more pictures).
Guys, I can’t actually believe that I looked like this! Every day my face would be red, thumping with every heartbeat and so so so sore. It used to make my eyes burn. I cried every time I looked in the mirror. I cried every time I saw a picture of myself. There were tears literally every single day.
In fact I think I needed to see this now, just to remind myself how bad it was and how far I really have come from that very top picture there (which I took this morning before my Skin Renewal appointment).
But I didn’t stop there. Couldn’t stop there really, because I still looked like a troll. So I also went on Roaccutane. TWICE. The first time I almost went blind. Those pictures with super shiny lips and red swollen eyes are just the best. Roaccutane may have helped my skin but it stuffed up the rest of me. Unfortunately the positive effect of clearer skin didn’t last and against my better judgement, I tried it AGAIN! I didn’t even really document that round because I was so demotivated with life.
All through that I have persevered to try and get my skin to something that resembles a normal person and not a blotchy old tomato. But this was still what I looked like on the daily… Better, but getting worse by the day.
Before I started with Skin Renewal, this is what I looked like. That was October 2016.
I felt like I was in a totally hopeless place and then Skin Renewal found me and helped me to get on the right track. We did some blood tests and checked out a few other things like sleep and stress. The result was that I should try and cut out wheat, dairy and sugar from my diet. So I did. With gusto. I really wanted to do ANYTHING to fix myself. Not only did we change my diet but Skin Renewal helped me skin from the outside with various treatments that made my skin easier to live with and a lot less red and painful.
This was ten days into not eating dairy, wheat or sugar.
This was three weeks in.
And a month in.
Then I don’t know how many weeks in and how to keep up such a hectic lifestyle change.
A little comparison with how far I have come on the various Skin Renewal treatments has been astounding.
But I realise that I haven’t really been keeping you updated since then. You know, aside from a few make up free chats on Instagram stories. Naughty blogger that I am. And like I said at the beginning of this post it’s because it’s just become normal. Part of what I do. My red face is just who I am and even though the Skin Renewal treatments and eating right is keeping the worst of it at bay, it’s still there.
That last three month picture was January 2017. I haven’t updated the comparison picture just purely from a time perspective (I’ll have it ready for the next post). But this is me now.
(I took it on my phone. I suspect that there is slight filtering from the camera itself only in that it’s not clearly showing off all blemishes in all their glory.)
My right cheek is a million times better than my left now, and I needed the perspective of seeing all the befores to see how far we have come on this journey. Even my nose is less red most days.
But it’s still a major issue for me. As was proved by an event that I went to yesterday. It involved a Thai massage that started on my arms but somehow ended up on my face. I honestly had a full blown panic session when she tried to touch my cheeks. The fact that she took all the make up off my red forehead and some off the side of my cheek made me actually want to leave the event totally. I felt completely self conscious. But I made myself suck it up and stay. I even went to another function that I rocked up late to with manky looking make up because I told myself that I just needed to get over it.
But I can’t. It’s been eating at me ever since.
Looking in the mirror can still be demotivating. I try not to let it be, but some days I can’t ignore it. From just dealing with those feelings of how I look, I also feel like I am letting down the amazingly supportive people at Skin Renewal. I think that even though we have made so much progress I was sure as heck hoping that this would be something that would clear completely. You know? Like that poster case of how to fix it.
Clearly I never really made peace with the fact that it might never stop. That I might never be able to eat like a normal person again. That I might never look like a normal person ever again.
It’s easy to sink into that kind of thinking and let it take over. But I’m not going to let it. I’m going to keep on doing what I can to eat in a way that loves my body, I’m going to keep getting the treatments that make my skin feel and look so much better and I’m going to stay positive, because you never know if we’re on the final lap.
11 comments
You look great! I know you probably don’t think so, but damn girl! I would kill to be that poreless! and being happy in the form you’re in right now is hard, but man, can it really just give you complete clarity of what is important. Happy girls are the prettiest!
Lol, yeah Roaccutane and subsequent treatments from Skin Renewal have done WONDERS for my pores and wrinkles! In that respect my skin looks like a teenagers!
Man, I feel your pain! I had pretty OK skin right through most of my teens, then around 20 it went completely nuts. Now in my 30s and it has calmed down a bit, with good diet and regular exercise (I found cutting back on sugar really helped me too). But I would love to know what makeup and what techniques & brushes you use. Your makeup always looks so flawless! I can’t seem to get that kind of finish, it always just looks like I’m covering up a bunch of lumps.
Ah man you have no idea how glad I am to hear that you think my make up looks great you won’t actually believe that I don’t even use brushes or anything. I did a little make up tutorial. Here it is https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QkkEcUoLtDk&t=24s
You’re gorgeous, whether you feel it or not!
xxxx
Thank you!
Feel your pain! Have always had pimples… Various contraceptive pills helped for 15 years and last year, October I decided it was time to stop. My skin had been breaking out for months, which I knew that meant finding a new pill to go onto. Anyways long story cut short, it is a daily struggle around my chin… Nearly 30 and still have to deal with it. I try not let it bother me, but especially when I am hormonal it gets tougher to accept. Anyways, Pimples do not define us and you are gorgeous human!
Ah, Cindy. Your progress has been incredible, though I know it can be hard to see. Thing is, there isn’t much research into it, but as far as I know, it can take YEARS to heal your gut after antibiotics and drugs like Roaccutane. You’re on what appears to be the most beneficial path yet, and although it is taking longer than you expected (and slower than you might like) you’re making incredible progress.
I think that’s why they say that dropping wheat/sugar/dairy etc isn’t a diet, because that implies a defined end. It’s a lifestyle change, and once you just accept that it’s life, then it becomes easier to handle.
[…] Looking like Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer on the daily is not easy. In fact it sucks butt. But it is what it is and I’m slowly making peace with the fact that this is my lot in life. Because the thing is, everyone has something that they struggle with. Everyone. It just so happens that mine is something that is very visible, it’s literally written all over my face. […]
[…] you guys this flaw because I feel most self-conscious about it but after @CindyAlfino did her acne posts, I was inspired to just do the damn thing and get on with it. It’s a bit grim. Soz, not […]
This looks more like papulopustular rosacea than acne (rosacea also can respond very well to accutane)